Posts Tagged ‘The Onion’

It sort of seems as though we’ve just been biding our time to react to the situation in Egypt, but we one (sort of):

The reaction is measured and cautious. The reactions of others have been, um, less measured. Here is a favorite quote about what the Egypt unrest could lead to, involving three world powers:

One, a Muslim caliphate that controls the Mideast and parts of Europe. Two, China, that will control Asia, the southern half of Africa, part of the Middle East, Australia, maybe New Zealand, and God only knows what else. And Russia, which will control all of the old former Soviet Union bloc, plus maybe the Netherlands. I’m not really sure. But their strong arm is coming. That leaves us and South America. What happens to us?

If you’re wondering who could conjure something like this out of a country’s attempt to gain democracy, you should know better by know. Imagining the statement on a chalkboard may help. Yes, Glenn Beck said it.

Just watch this video, then try and tell me this guy is stable enough to teach us history/predict the future:

There is fire everywhere! And apparently radical Islamist(ists?) and Marxists are combining, and as a result, the world will implode. If you can follow his various streams of consciousness, congratulations? But it’s easy to see why a lot of people haven’t been tuning in recently

Here is a pretty good breakdown of the differences between 1979 Iran and current Egypt.

The salon article also had a lot of interesting reactions from other Republicans. It’s either we need to support democracy (which seems logical) or we need to fear Muslims. Republican Rep. Peter King seems to be the most fearful. From Salon:

Finally, at home, where House Homeland Security Committee Chairman Peter King, R-N.Y., will hold hearings to investigate the influence of radical Islam on America – King refers to American Muslims as the “enemy living amongst us” — a study by the Triangle Center on Terrorism and Homeland Security reports that the number of Muslim-Americans who committed or were arrested for terrorist crimes has dropped by almost 60 percent since 2009, to just 20 last year. Maybe more important, according to Think Progress, tips from Muslim Americans led to a terrorist plot being thwarted in 48 of 120 cases involving Muslim Americans, according to the study.

I think The Onion News Network (now on IFC on Fridays) has an awesome video about what seems to be the attitude of people like King:

Al Qaeda Populating U.S. With Peaceful ‘Decoy Muslims’

A person could write about this all night, and I feel I haven’t done enough, but I must run. I’m sure we’ll continue talking about this for quite some time.

Enjoy democracy.

Adam Feser

Click here. Read it before you react, because I think it gets at something I’ve thought of before.

Perhaps we’ll address it in the comments. Or perhaps people won’t find it as interesting as I do.

Other fun articles:
Score between Dems and GOP
Biden banned from Dave and Busters
Republicans and Leukemia team up
Prison economy tanks

Enjoy the prison video.

Adam Feser

House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-OH) has an interesting opinion piece in the Onion entitled “My Constituents Care Way More About Political Gamesmanship Than Jobs, Health Care, And The Economy.”

I can’t do the whole thing justice here, so you should probably just read it, but here are some highlights:

Trust me: If you talk to an unemployed, uninsured mother of two in Greenville, she’ll tell you that jobs and reliable medical coverage come a distant second to the crafting of meticulous talking points that deftly omit the facts and reduce what should be honest discourse about our country’s future to a series of contrived, easy-to-digest sound bites designed to sway crucial independent voters.

Take the folks I represent in Dayton. They’ve seen unemployment skyrocket to 13.2 percent. Now, here is what I did for them: Even though the nonpartisan Congressional Budget Office predicts that the stimulus bill will ultimately save or create 2.5 million jobs, I came out and said that the dismal performance of the “stimulus” demonstrates the danger of letting Washington take more control of our economy.

My constituents had to be proud. They must have loved the way I blatantly ignored the truth and put quotation marks around “stimulus” so as to delegitimize the whole project. And I bet they noticed that, with just one sentence, I slyly preyed on America’s inherent distrust of big government. Pretty good, huh? It’s all bullshit of course, but it’s a great political play: slimy, deceitful, and downright irresponsible—the kind of no-nonsense, no-actual-help-for-anyone-but-myself strategy that the struggling voters in Butler and Mercer counties rely on.

But in the end, of course, I can’t take full credit for the Republican Party’s utterly undeserved yet all-too-depressingly-real resurgence. That would be unfair to my Democratic colleagues, who, in their unwillingness to act like grown adults with any kind of backbone and exercise the largest majority any party has seen in decades, have let us get away with all of it.

Enjoy the candidness, even if it is imaginary.

Adam Feser

Barack Obama names Alan Moore Official White House Biographer.

This would be awesome. Moore has written such masterpieces as Watchmen, V, and From Hell.  We’ve already seen Obama in a Spiderman comic, and Moore could really do some work with this administration.  I picture the theme of the graphic novel as being one of a man torn between making pragmatic compromises and living according to his principles.

Too bad this is from The Onion.

Enjoy the thought.

Adam Feser

I just got home from an amazing concert. The Monsters of Folk rocked me for about three hours. Those guys are amazing. I’m tired, and I don’t feel like writing a whole lot. But I do feel like putting something up. So here are a bunch of funny things written by other people. Pick out the headline you find funniest and enjoy.

Obama’s Declaration Of Swine Flu Emergency Prompts Pro-Swine-Flu Republican Response

Senate Passes Blame By Vote Of 91-8

Nation’s Morons March On Washington State

Obama: Health Care Plan Would Give Seniors Right To Choose How They Are Killed

Secretary Of The Ulterior Clearly Vying For Better Cabinet Position

Cat Congress Mired In Sunbeam

Liechtenstein, Andorra Forced To Fight By Larger Countries

Socialites Without Borders Teach Rwandans How To Mingle

Enjoy my laziness.

Adam Feser

Is Using A Minotaur To Gore Detainees A Form Of Torture?

Enjoy the absurdity.

Adam Feser

I was cruising around The Onion, as I sometimes do, and thought maybe you all would get a kick out of some of these joke articles.

Articles:

Bush Done

Tough Break for Obama

See you later, Working Joe

Video about Obama’s preparation:

Obama Undertakes Presidential Internship To Ease Concerns About His Lack Of Experience

Video about a fictional upset:

Voting Machines Elect One Of Their Own As President

I’ll close with a random sports article for all you Vikings fans who wonder what happened to Daunte Culpepper before he got picked up by the Lions:
Daunte’s Retirement

I hope you enjoyed these as much as I did. If you ever need a laugh, stop by theonion.com.

Enjoy the fake news.

With Hope,
Adam Feser