President Trump’s first presidency: A visual timeline
Donald Trump will return to the White House after his Nov. 5 election victory. Take a look at his first presidency in the Palm Beaches.
Dear people of Greenland:
Stop attacking Florida. Every summer you send off giant chunks of your ice floe into the Atlantic, knowing fully that they will eventually wage a liquid invasion against the low-lying coastline of Florida.
This is an act of war.
Scientists have noted that on a particularly active day in 2021, a total of 8.5 billion tons of Greenland ice broke away — enough to cover the entire state of Florida in two inches of water.
We won’t stand for it anymore. It’s time to fight back, to answer your invasion with an invasion of our own. So, prepare to be the recipient of what our good friend and close ally Vladimir Putin calls a “special military operation.”
Don’t try to resist or go running to your home nation, Denmark, or your neighbors in Canada, soon to be our 51st state.
Resistance is futile. We’re coming for your cod and tariffing your seal blubber. Don’t try to stop us.
This should be nothing new for you. Greenlanders should be used to being overrun by foreign adventurers by now.
Just look at it this way: What started in 982 A.D. by Erik the Red is now being continued in 2025 A.D. by Donald the Orange.
In case you haven’t been following the events here in the United States, we just had a presidential election in which millions of Americans voted for Donald Trump.
Trump ran under a simple platform:
1. Make the Arctic Great Again (MAGA).
2. Import college-educated foreigners into the U.S. to do the jobs that Americans are too stupid to do because they watched too many 90s sitcoms like “Saved by the Bell.”
3. Cure windmill cancer.
In retaliation for the harm Greenland has done in perpetuating the global warming hoax while also flooding valuable Florida real estate, we plan to put missile batteries and other military installations in Greenland while creating a new market for American goods, such as Trump-branded Bibles, Teslas and assault rifles.
We may eventually come to count on Greenland to solve our affordable igloo crisis.
Accept your fate. When our troops roll into Nuuk, you should treat them as liberators, not attackers. It would be a mistake to test our will.
If any of our military members are harpooned, trapped, netted or otherwise harmed, we reserve the right to respond with nuclear weapons, if necessary.
We may also use our homeland propaganda cable TV operation to blame Greenland for the high price of eggs and for doing business with Hunter Biden — which may take years of open-ended investigations in the U.S. House of Representatives to unravel.
Trust us, we can make the American people believe anything. (It’s the upside of those 90s sitcoms.)
As for the damage you have already caused in Florida, the people of Greenland will be assessed a special melt tax.
The details of this will be handled by one of our brightest America-first leaders, U.S. Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, who got the job, in part, because it will be easy for Trump to remember her name in discussions about Greenland.
Furthermore, if you continue to invade Florida in the upcoming summer months with your melted ice floes, the U.S. will consider taking additional steps, including converting Greenland into a penal colony for Democratic lawmakers, disobedient members of the media, and IRS auditors.
Don’t make us do something awful. So far, you’re not off to a good start.
It has already been noted that you haven’t reacted very well to our interest in you, which began with the following Trump tweet in December:
“For purposes of National Security and Freedom throughout the World, the United States of America feels that the ownership and control of Greenland is an absolute necessity,” Trump wrote.
Instead of just conceding our appropriation of your sovereign territory, you did something stupid.
“We are not for sale,” your Prime Minister Mute Egede said.
And then Greenland announced a boost in its defense spending by purchasing two extra ships, some drones and a couple of dog sled teams.
Oh, dog sled teams. Now, you’ve got us scared!
And as for allowing us to buy Greenland, that window is closing fast.
We don’t have to buy our way into Greenland when we can move against you as a defensive response to your ongoing invasion of Florida.
Trust us, we’ve concocted flimsier invasion rationales. (See Iraq circa 2003.)
So, fess up, Greenland. Save yourself while you can or risk a nuked Nuuk.
Frank Cerabino is a news columnist with The Palm Beach Post, which is part of the USA Today-Network.
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Publish date : 2025-01-01 20:11:00
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