America is doomed; only Dolly Parton can save us

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Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

It is of the opinion of the people of the United States of America that the U.S. government has become oligarchical and no longer serves the people. Our Senate has failed us. Our Courts have failed us. Our President has failed us. Neither the Republicans nor the Democrats fight for the working man and both perpetuate themselves by sucking on the teat of the obscenely wealthy: Musk, Bezos, Arrillaga. There is only one American who can lead us into a brighter tomorrow with the glimmer of her rhinestones and her name is Dolly Parton.

She’ll stand above us not just as the Queen of Country, but our Supreme Madam of the United States, leading us to once again become a shining city upon a hill. A lifelong Christian, Parton will return us to our traditional values by executing all adulterous women under the Jolene Act. Our workers will be supported and never forced to work more than from 9 to 5. Our children will prosper under her education programs as the Book Lady herself personally places books into their tiny hands. She’ll support diversity to make our nation not a melting pot, but a coat of many colors.

Under her will sit the remainder of America’s music royalty. Miley Cyrus shall preside over Hollywood and the greater region of Southern California, however her counterpart shall rule over Montana. With the influence of Willie Nelson, pot will be legalized across the country. Justice will be upheld under the boot of Cowboy Carter and relations with the U.K. will be maintained through Paul McCartney. NASA will be run by Elton John, who will be there for a long, long time.

Dollywood shall be our new capital and the White House will be moved to lie within park, specifically between Craftsman’s Valley and Wildwood Grove. Henceforth, Hawaii will be known as the Islands in the Stream. The Grand Canyon shall become known as Harper Valley. The South will be consolidated into the single state of Tennessee and Appalachia will become known as Parton’s Tennessee Mountain Home.

Congress will clap as she delivers the State of the Union with a guitar in hand and the voice of an angel. The rest of our beautiful nation will sing in harmony, finally peaceful, finally unified. No nation on Earth shall dare attack us and all shall acquiesce to our demands, lest Parton lay her disapproving stare upon them. No fascist dictator has a heart of stone hard enough to risk being cut off from the wondrous tunes of the Smoky Mountain Songbird.

So Dolly, if you are reading this: you have the potential to save us, to free us from this eternal political nightmare. We need you now more than ever, and if you promise to become our Commander-in-Rhinestones, I will always love you. God bless America, and may God protect Dolly Parton. May the lights of Nashville shine upon her empire.

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America is doomed; only Dolly Parton can save us

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