“A deep sense of love and belonging is an irreducible need of all people. We are biologically, cognitively, physically, and spiritually wired to love, to be loved, and to belong.” — Brene Brown
Once upon a time, earlier in this century, I was dean of humanities at a community college in the eastern Massachusetts. I was looking for a way to promote the “identities” and “communities” of young scholars who had not yet declared an academic major. And so I worked with a group of faculty from across the institution to create and promote an ongoing community- and identity-building course. I named it “America: Longing and Belonging,” to enable emphasis on the importance of place, time, identity, and perhaps a common goal for these “undeclared” students.
We were trying to build a shared, inter-curricular semester-long course that would focus on issues of inclusion/exclusion — much like what professionals in the field now call ”DEIB” – diversity, equity, inclusion and belonging. In so doing, we were wanting to develop an experience in terms of what it means to long for something and belong to something.
Too many of us feel systematically excluded from opportunities for growth and development, especially now that affirmative action as we once knew it has been torn apart. Who of us has ever not felt excluded from something?
I recall, while growing up on New York City’s Lower West Side, a prototypically American activity known as “choosing sides”: Yes, everyone who wanted to play was chosen, but how humiliating it was for those last couple of kids who lingered till the end, unselected till almost no one was left.
The same “best” athletes — tallest, fastest, strongest, loudest — would always serve as captains and pick each other first, and the “dregs” had to suffer the hurt of feeling excluded (left until the last moment), mostly due to things way out of their control. They wanted to belong — they longed to belong — but were only extended minimal respect, and only because they showed up. Although I was not usually among the last ones to be picked, I could see their hurt and feel their pain and shame.
Humans long to belong. We want “in” to groups, teams, partnerships, family, projects, activities and communities. But we don’t always hold the power and authority to declare ourselves in of our own volition. Wanting to belong means having a longing to be part of something bigger than oneself. No matter how shy, isolated, insular, or introverted we are, it matters that we are part of something that we value and find meaningful.
“It is mutual trust, even more than mutual interest, that holds human associations together.” — H. L. Mencken
In this time of deep political division and bifurcation, one side strives to exclude while the other makes efforts to be inclusive. Both cannot happen at the same time. Rejection leaves a deep stain in our psyches, and it can become more challenging to get up from the hurt and try again, perhaps elsewhere.
But people are nothing if not resilient. While a stain may remain from being or feeling left out, most of us will figure out ways to try again to find a way “in” so we belong to something, somewhere that matters.
The power of longing and belonging is such that we continually seek the opportunity to be included through our activities in daily living. We all hold many identities, and within those identities, we identify ourselves as being in line or in sync with others holding a common identity. Having a higher motivation to succeed has as one of its bases the sense that our efforts to help others are buoyed by our determination.
“I long, as does every human being, to be at home wherever I find myself.” — Maya Angelou
In our home country, we’ve built, over a time, a long history of exclusion — not all are equal in terms of belonging. Whether it be about the free and easy ability to vote, to own a home anywhere one wants, to have an equal chance at gainful employment, to be admitted to college, to play sports, to become president — we don’t all have the same opportunity. This sordid history lacks the compassion and empathy necessary in building humane infrastructures within our supposedly civil society.
The good news on all this atrocious history is that the power is ours to change it. Our individual votes and our collective voices can carry us from longing and exclusion to belonging and inclusion. This includes our will and determination to boldly change ourselves and our culture, even our basic way of living — to help others find their way in to where they wish to belong, and in whatever way(s) in which they wish to identify themselves (as long as there is no violence to self or others).
In your one human life, what do you long for? Where do you most want to belong, and to what? Let’s make new history by moving on and opening our arms and hearts to others who safely want to be a part of us.
Daniel Cantor Yalowitz writes a regular column in the Recorder. A developmental and intercultural psychologist, he has facilitated change in many organizations and communities around the world. His two most recent books are “Journeying with Your Archetypes” and “Reflections on the Nature of Friendship.” Reach out to him at danielcyalowitz@gmail.com.
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Publish date : 2024-09-15 11:24:00
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