Trump says he’s renaming Gulf of Mexico to ‘Gulf of America’
President-elect Donald Trump told reporters he plans to rename the Gulf of Mexico the “Gulf of America.”
We did it, America! We finally put a convicted felon in the White House.
In what I’m sure was a tremendous relief for Republicans – who no longer have to worry about those burdensome “party of family values” and “party of law and order” tags – President-elect Donald Trump was sentenced Friday for falsifying business records to cover up a hush money payment to an adult-film star.
In less than two weeks, the newly minted felon and the scarlet “F” he’ll wear around his neck will tromp into the White House and show the world that unrepentant criminals can accomplish anything.
Trump’s sentencing shows Republicans believe felons should get jobs
For decades, Democrats have fought Republicans over draconian sentencing laws and the idea that ex-offenders who’ve served their time deserve a pathway to a second chance. Well, Trump has no time to serve, given his sentence of unconditional discharge, but he has officially been convicted of 34 felony counts, so it’s clear Republicans now believe strongly in giving criminals second chances.
Good for them. I assume, moving forward, that felony convictions will no longer be roadblocks for job applicants at any level. I mean, it would be the height of hypocrisy for Republicans to say Trump’s case – in which he was tried and convicted by a jury of his peers – is somehow different than the millions of Americans who’ve similarly been convicted of felonies, right?
Trump says he ‘did nothing wrong’ – classic felon speak!
And if those carrying felony convictions claim they are innocent and did nothing wrong, Republicans will now believe them, right? As Trump said during Friday’s sentencing: “I am totally innocent. I did nothing wrong.”
And now he gets to be president of the United States of America! Case closed. This has to be how things work now, but I’ll leave it to Republican lawmakers and voters to tie themselves into pretzel knots if they think I’m wrong.
At least Republicans can now stop pretending to be moral
Aside from their embrace of a more progressive approach to criminal justice, I also congratulate Republicans on finally being able to shed the remains of their exoskeleton of morality.
Trump’s conviction stemmed from hush money paid to porn star Stormy Daniels, who alleged she and Trump had sex in 2006, months after Melania Trump gave birth. Whatever anyone thinks of the verdict in this case or the fact that Trump has denied an affair, the hush money bit was never in question.
So with Trump’s conviction and pending ascension to the White House, I’m forced to assume the party that has used morality as a cudgel against LGBTQ+ people and abortion rights and books about gay penguins will now either pipe down or literally drown in its own opportunistic sanctimony.
Trump’s sentencing really was a great day for all Americans
That’s your guy, Republicans. The dude with the 34 felony convictions for falsifying business records to cover up a hush money payment to the star of classic films like “Happy Endings” and “Stormy and Her Horny Friends.”
How about you put our gay penguin books back on the library shelves and go sit in a corner and think about what you’ve done?
The rest of us will be over here applauding your newfound embrace of ex-offender rehabilitation and the doors I’m sure it will open for the multitude of Americans who claim the justice system did them wrong.
Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Bluesky at @rexhuppke.bsky.social and on Facebook at facebook.com/RexIsAJerk
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Publish date : 2025-01-10 02:37:00
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